Odds and Ends: Stories Without Ends
by Temporal Knight
Summary: A small collection of random ideas that haven't yet gotten the full story treatment. Some may become actual fics, some will forever lounge here until inspiration strikes further.
1. Luna vs Fate: 41 to 0

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything related to Harry Potter. If I did I would be a far richer man. And I'd be a woman. I also don't own The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy because then the universe would be a lot more crazy. And Earth would probably be a hyperspace bypass. I most _definitely_ do not own the Cthulhu Mythos. Do _you_ want an eldritch abomination knocking on your door at night? Yeah, me neither.

Reviews are of course appreciated but certainly not required.

This chapter is a sort of companion piece to 'Harry Potter and the Rune Stone Path'. It's a spot where perhaps things could have gone just slightly differently if I was writing a different type of story and is intended to be mostly just a small entertaining crack fic.

This particular chapter is based off of Luna's comment in Chapter 19 about not messing with Fate _too_ badly.

* * *

 **What If: Luna's Comment About Upsetting Fate Wasn't a Joke**

Luna vs. Fate: 41 serving 0

It's widely known that 42 is the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything. What is unknown is what the Question is. Well, it _was_ unknown. It's recently become apparent that the question is: How many times must Luna Lovegood mess with the Laws of the Universe before it gives up and cries "Uncle"?

* * *

Tempora walked past her sister's room and paused midstep. Fortuna was moaning and banging her head against the wall inside. Tempora cocked her head and looked on in utter confusion. Her sister was seemed completely inconsolable, large wails escaping from her and tears sliding down her cheeks.

"I know I've been a bit busy but…what the hell?" Tempora blinking and was about to walk inside to see if she could do anything when Desi came up grimacing.

"Ah damn, she's at it again," Desi muttered and leaned against the wall.

Tempora turned her wide eyes onto Desi. "Who's at what now? Fortuna?"

Desi shook her head and a shadow of fear crossed her features. "No. No, only one thing could induce that sort of reaction in Fate. Luna Lovegood." Fortuna sobbed harder and she banged her head against the wall a few more times before collapsing into the chair and holding her head in her hands continuing to cry.

"Why? Why won't she just leave us alone? I can't keep dealing with this!"

Desi walked inside and gently patted Fortuna's shoulder. "There, there, sis. Why don't you tell us what happened? What did Luna do this time?"

"She – she – she decided she's bisexual!" Fortuna yelled before collapsing back into desperate sobs and curling up into a ball.

"Who the hell is Luna Lovegood?" Tempora asked shaking her head. "I haven't heard of that Personification. Did I seriously miss the birth of a new Aspect of the Universe?"

"If only," Desi said grimacing. "Luna Lovegood is a mortal."

"A _mortal_?"

"She's not a mortal!" Fortuna shouted. "She's evil! She's chaos! She horror personified! She won't leave me alone! _Why_ won't she leave me alone?!"

Tempora looked to Desi completely speechless. Her sister waved to a chair and started talking softly. "Luna Lovegood is a 13 year old girl who lives in England, on Earth, the Sol system, universe 312. She's…dangerous."

"A _mortal_ is _dangerous_?"

Desi nodded. "She can't be beaten. She can't be touched. She can't be screwed with. She's the one who does the screwing. Don't ask me how."

"What?" Tempora felt completely lost. Since when did Personifications fear mortals?

"Fortuna? How about you tell us what Luna did this time huh? Maybe it'll help our sister to understand."

Fortuna's sobs slowed a bit and she looked up at Desi. She nodded and wiped at her eyes. "She – she was supposed to be with the Potter boy you know? I had it all set out, nice and neat. She was going to claim him and be his third and everything was going to be clean and tidy. But now she randomly decided she's bisexual and she's focused on Tracey Davis of all people! Davis! Why? Why?! Fleur Delacour has sex as a superpower but no! Luna Lovegood focuses on _Davis_! Now she's moved away from Potter and she's causing waves that are breaking up Greengrass and Davis and forcing Greengrass into Potter's arms! The entire web is collapsing since now Greengrass isn't the badass friend, she's the badass lover which forces Granger and Tonks to up their games and Davis is moving towards creating her own harem in retaliation knocking even _more_ relationships off course. I can't work with this! I can't do it anymore! Why won't Luna Lovegood just leave me _alone_?"

"But…we're Personifications…" Tempora said. "She's just a mortal. Send her down a new path. Desi – "

"Oh no," Desi held up her hands to ward her sister's suggestion off. "I have tried that game. I've long since gave up trying to influence Luna Lovegood's destiny. That girl has managed to literally drag _four_ different creatures out of sheer fantasy and into reality simply by being determined enough that she'd find them one day."

"She… _what_?"

"Yeah, exactly. It's not possible! I don't know how she does it. I don't _want_ to know how she does it. I tried setting up a destiny for her already. Twice she skipped merrily passed the exit ramp and kept right on going. I tried a third time and she literally _shattered_ it! _I_ can't shatter destiny and I'm the Personification of it!"

Tempora's mouth dropped open. "What the hell is she?"

"She's a monster!" Fortuna yelled breaking down into sobs again. "I won't do it anymore! I can't, I won't!"

"I'm convinced she has some Old God somewhere in her blood line," Desi muttered. "We haven't been screwed with so bad since they were around."

"Does she do it on purpose?"

Desi shrugged. "Not generally. Which honestly makes things even worse. Mortals shouldn't consciously be able to mess with Personifications. For one of them to do it without even trying? Trust me, Tempora, just stay away from her. Stay far away."

Desi reached out a hand and gently pulled Fortuna to her feet wrapping an arm around her sister's shoulders. "Come on, sweety. Let's go play with Potter. That always makes you feel better."

" _NO!_ " Fortuna screamed, her face going pure white. "NOT POTTER! ANYONE BUT POTTER! I'm not going within a city's distance of that boy! She'd find me if I did! She'd do it! _I'm not touching him!_ "

"Okay, okay, honey," Desi crooned as they walked outside. "We can mess with Tom then instead."

Tempora shook her head. There was no way that Luna Lovegood was as bad as they made her seem. That was just stupid. No mortal was that bad.

* * *

 **Two Years Later:**

Desi and Fortuna walked in on a sobbing Tempora curled up in the corner. Desi shook her head. "I warned you to stay away from Luna Lovegood, honey. What did she do?"

"She _broke_ me! She _broke Time_! _How_ can a mortal _break Time_?!"

Fortuna's eyes widened. "Wow…that's…impressive even for Luna Lovegood."

Tempora sobbed harder. "Those stupid Time Turners got annoying so I made sure they broke in the battle but…that _demon_ , she – she _did something_! I don't understand, I don't even know what she did! She reached out to the shards and she did _something_ and – I _broke_!" Tempora covered her face in her hands and curled up tighter.

* * *

Tempora looked on with horror at the Earth in front of her. She didn't know how she had gotten here or even _when_ here was...which shouldn't be possible since she _was_ Time!

The land looked as if it had been through the war to end all wars. Buildings were destroyed and abandoned, many of the inhabitants banded together in small tribes, most of the vegetation had died off and the sky itself was brown. Magicals and Muggles were living together with no separation at all; there wasn't any other choice if either group wanted to survive.

"Oh, hello! I haven't had someone new to play with in _ages_!" a disturbingly sweet voice rang out behind her.

Tempora felt a shiver run down her metaphysical spine as she slowly turned. Her wide eyes stared up at the world's Overlord.

Luna Lovegood sat upon her golden throne. She didn't look a day over 16 with a beatific smile showing on her exceedingly happy features. One arm was wrapped around a small crumple-horned snorkack cuddled into her chest while her other was idling running through Harry Potter's hair. Tempora's mouth dropped open as she saw that Potter was clothed in a disturbing female belly dancer's outfit. On Luna's other side Tracey Davis was spread out on cushions in the same attire. In fact, there were no less than five other men and 10 other women arranged in various positions surrounding the Overlord.

Behind the Overlord were thousands upon thousands of Cthulhu-esque abominations. Creatures man-sized with tentacles sprouting from their faces and lobster claws for hands. They were all just standing there gazing with wonder and adoration at their Mistress.

"You seem familiar," the Overlord said cocking her head to the side. "Have we met? Or maybe I've met your sister or something?"

Tempora screamed. She gathered her entire being together and thrust into the Heart of the Creation crying for her mother. She begged and pleaded and sobbed as she ran back through the Corridors of Time desperately trying to escape from the nightmare that Luna Lovegood had... _somehow_...created. With a final gasp she broke through the distortions around her and landed back where she had been before being deposited in Hell itself.

* * *

Desi and Fortuna looked at each other sighing. They both leaned down and hugged their sister. "It's okay, honey. It gets better. We'll just leave her alone. Leave her well alone. Maybe then she'll leave us alone in exchange. And if we ever see Luna Lovegood on the horizon we run far and fast, okay?"

Tempora looked up tears still leaking out of her eyes. "You promise?"

"I promise," Desi said nodding. Fortuna quickly bobbed her head in agreement as well. "Is Dumbles still around? It's always fun to mess with Dumbles."


	2. Hedwig Slightly Unhinged

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything related to Harry Potter. If I did I would be a far richer man. And I'd be a woman.

Reviews are of course appreciated but certainly not required. Thanks to RhysThornbery for his beta help.

This chapter is based of a request by Thundramon to write up a funny little story of Harry being roped into marrying one of the younger teachers (Sinistra, Vector and Babbling) and ending up with a harem because those three are already in a coven relationship with each other. I took it and ran with it. This story, and Hedwig in particular, was a ton of fun to write and I did end up writing a larger version and posting it as a long oneshot. Enjoy the crazy original!

Oh and this Dumbledore is not meant to be manipulative or evil. Merely somewhat incompetent and overworked. Consider Babbling to be similar to the version in 'Rune Stone Path'.

* * *

 **Chapter 2: What if Harry's Fanclub Found Him**

 **Alternate Title: What if Hedwig Was Slightly Unhinged**

Hedwig was watching her human eat his ice cream as he sat in front of the shop. The large one had gone inside to speak with someone familiar and left her and her human alone on the front porch. She liked her human. He was kind and talked to her like she could understand. No human had done that before and she responded in kind. She was a smart owl. If her human was going to treat her with respect and kindness then she would do the same in return. And he'd promised her bacon when they returned to his nest.

Hedwig was therefore very annoyed by the pushy group of individuals who came prancing up to her human. Harry seemed rather overwhelmed by the group and she considered flying into the middle of them but they started to separate themselves out slightly. The big one in the middle stepped to the front and held out her hand for Harry to shake. She then gave him a piece of paper. Hedwig certainly wasn't able to read human notes – nothing beyond addresses at least. But she understood Betrothal. Her human didn't seem to recognize that word however.

Harry leaned over to the two red-headed children seated on the table next to him and Hedwig heard him ask, "Excuse me, do you know what a Betrothal Contract means?"

The first red-head turned to his double and muttered something. They both then turned back to her human grinning. Hedwig didn't like that grin at all. "Sure, we know. Betrothal is just a fancy way of saying that you'll be friends for life."

"Oh," Harry considered that and nodded. "Thanks. I wasn't sure whether to trust them or not. But I've never really had friends before so…sure why not." Hedwig barked in protest. Her human was not going to be stuck with this woman or her group. Not if the owl had anything to say about it! She took flight from her perch and tried to get to Harry before he could do anything he'd regret. Harry had already grabbed the quill from the woman and signed his part of the form before Hedwig managed to get to him. She barked again and beat her wings at the humans surrounding her Harry. Clacking her tongue at them and snapping her beak she pushed them back far enough that she could guard the paper. "Hedwig, stop!"

Hagrid returned from inside the store to the scene of the commotion and promptly started yelling at the group of women for accosting Harry. Hedwig barked her approval at the large man and turned to affectionately nip at her human's fingers. Harry sighed and petted her. "Why did you do that, girl? I was looking forward to having friends."

Hedwig turned to glare at the giggling red-headed twins. She took off and gave them each a token of her affection while Harry slipped the paper with just the one signature into his bag.

* * *

Hedwig had only been at the Dursley nest for a few hours before she knew it had to go. This was not an appropriate place her human to reside. The large man obviously had not been intelligent enough to do anything to remove Harry from this nest so it was up to Hedwig. She had been to Hogwarts before and knew that he would be going there shortly. Hedwig started to consider her options. Harry had a partially signed Betrothal Contract already. With the appropriate second party…he would be leaving the Dursley nest before the year was up!

Now the question came down to whom. Whom would Hedwig get to sign? She'd have to avoid the students. They might have nests of their own but there were too many humans who could interfere if she did that. Harry might have to stay in this nest for too long. One of the teachers perhaps? It had been quite some time since Hedwig had last been to Hogwarts and the last time, many of the female teachers had been far too old for her human. That would be the second option then. First she'd check out the potential female mates on the street. So when Harry let her out that night, Hedwig flew around inspecting the options. None appealed. She expanded her search over nearly a week and eventually decided that there no suitable mates for her human in the vicinity.

The next week saw Hedwig flying to Hogwarts several times and observing the staff as they prepared for the new school year. Surprisingly Hedwig found not one but three younger teachers relatively close to her human's age. Certainly there were some differences but it wasn't insurmountable.

Hedwig watched her three targets carefully eventually choosing the one that liked to play with tiny stones. Hedwig liked stones so this female obviously had her head in the right place. This human was spunky and headstrong too. She seemed to lead the other two and all three stayed close together when away from the school. She would do well as a mate for Harry.

The next night, Hedwig carefully pulled the Betrothal Contract free from Harry's bag and took wing towards Hogwarts. She waited until it was late and the spunky stone player was distracted with signing requisition papers. Hedwig carefully dropped a stone to draw the mate's attention and when the woman left to investigate Hedwig made her move. She laid the Betrothal Contract onto the top of the pile of papers and dragged the form above it to cover everything but the signature location. Hedwig then took flight again and hopped out the window to watch her human get a new mate.

The spunky stone player came back from her investigation rubbing a hand across her face. "I've got to stop staying up so late finishing these stupid forms. One day I'll learn not to leave it all till the last minute. Now I'm hearing things too." Sitting down the woman picked up her quill and signed the Betrothal Contract. A flash of magic engulfed her and the woman squeaked in surprise. Hedwig barked in happiness at her success and left to return to her human.

Now she just needed the spunky stone player to investigate the Dursley nest and Harry would be free.

* * *

" _What the bloody hell?!_ " Bathsheda Babbling's shout rang throughout nearly the entirety of Hogwarts castle. Aurora Sinistra and Septima Vector both looked up from their books, stared at each other for a minute and took off at a dead run towards their Coven leader's quarters. They arrived breathless just before Minerva and Albus all pulled up.

"Shiva! What's wrong? What happened? Who died? What did you blow up? Did you blow up yourself again?" Aurora asked in a rush pushing inside. She came up short and looked on in confusion at her schoolmate.

Bathsheda, known to her friends as Shiva, was cursing at a piece of paper in front of her and trying with all her might to pull a ring off her finger. "What kind of stupid idea for a prank is this? I signed this bloody thing with a blood quill! What idiot puts a legal contract in with requisition forms?! When I find who did this I will _break_ them!"

"Bathsheda," Minerva said trying to slow her breathing and holding a hand over her heart. "Perhaps you can tell us what is going on."

Shiva looked up and scowled. She brandished the paper and tossed it across at them then proceeded to go back to trying to pull the ring from her finger without success. " _What is going on_? _That_ is what is going on, Min! Bloody hell this cannot be happening! Why won't the ring come off! This is NOT funny!"

Minerva scanned the paper and paled. She gulped and handed it to Albus while Aurora and Septima read over his shoulder. Septima finished it first and collapsed against the wall laughing. Aurora just shook her head and moved over to wrap Shiva in a hug. "There, there sweetheart, it's okay. Just calm down. There are far worse people you could've accidentally signed an unbreakable betrothal agreement with."

Dumbledore finally finished reading the contract and promptly fainted as he realized all his careful protections had just crumbled into dust with two unthinking signatures.

* * *

An insistent knock sounded on the door to Number 4 Privet Drive. Hedwig took wing but returned inside almost immediately with a happy sounding bark and puffed up proudly. Harry thought the owl looked mightily pleased with herself for some reason. He had been able to sneak her a single piece of bacon this morning when the Dursleys had had their backs turned...maybe that was it?

"NO! That _man_ was bad enough! I will not have more _freaks_ in my home! You can go right back where you came from!" Harry sighed as he heard Uncle Vernon's voice yelling out from downstairs. It was probably more wizards or witches. Why they had come only a little while after Hagrid had left he had no idea. He doubted he'd be allowed to see them anyway.

"I don't care if you're the Queen herself you will not AAWWKKK!" Harry turned towards the door and squinted in confusion as his uncle's angry shout turned into a bird's caw at the end. His face split into a bit of a grin as he realized Uncle Vernon had probably angered a wizard again just like he had done at the cottage!

"Harry Potter?" a kind female voice called up. Harry frowned. That wasn't Aunt Petunia. Aunt Petunia never sounded that nice. "Harry Potter? If you're up there would you mind coming down for a few minutes, please?"

He wasn't normally allowed out around company...Harry looked to Hedwig who gave a short bark and bobbed her head towards the door. Harry sighed and gave in. Giving the owl a quick pet, Harry walked downstairs.

In the living room there was a very angry purple bird locked in a cage in the corner and several witches and wizards. Three younger witches who were dressed in Muggle clothes (though probably a bit more colorful than the norm), one older witch in dark green robes and one _very_ old wizard in blue robes covered with white stars. The younger witches all looked like they could've just gotten home from university while the other two almost seemed like they should be bouncing babies on their knees.

"Umm, hello..." Harry muttered.

"Hello, Harry," the pretty black woman said. She sat down and patted the armchair in front of her. "Why don't you come sit down and we can talk?"

"Umm, I'm not really supposed to talk to people. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia will get mad."

The older witch nodded her understanding. "That's alright, Mr. Potter. We're teachers at Hogwarts. I'm Professor Minerva McGonagall, this is Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, these three are Aurora Sinistra, Septima Vector and...Bathsheda Babbling." Harry noticed the slight hesitation she had when identifying the younger witch in the leather jacket and combat boots. The adults appeared to watch him for some sort of reaction but he didn't do anything beyond stand there with a hand on the stairs. "Well...now we all know each other, Harry. So we're not strangers anymore and you can talk to us."

"Umm," Harry fidgeted. "I'm not supposed to talk to _anyone_...but...I guess since you're wizards and witches...I guess it's okay."

As he moved to the chair the long haired brunette they had identified as Septima frowned at him. "What do you mean you're not supposed to talk to anyone?"

Harry shrugged. "I used to stay in my cupboard whenever people were over. It's a bit harder to not be seen since my relatives moved me to Dudley's toy room a few weeks ago."

"Cupboard?" Minerva said, her lips pressed together in a thin line. She turned to glare at Dumbledore who noticeably fidgeted.

"Yeah, the cupboard under the stairs," Harry said nodding. He pointed towards the stairs with a bit of a smile. "It was small but there were some spiders in there that I talked to at least. Dudley's toy room doesn't have spiders. But it does have a window so I can let Hedwig out! And I talk to Hedwig now. She's much better at understanding me than the spiders ever were."

Aurora made a soft noise somewhere between a sigh and a moan. "Harry, I promise we'll talk about all of that later okay? First though, we have a very important question to ask you." Harry nodded. She held out his Betrothal Friend Form and his eyes widened. "Do you recognize this?"

Harry grabbed the form and clutched it to his chest. "Yeah! It's the form that's supposed to give me a friend! The woman at the ice cream shop Hagrid took me too said she'd help me and I asked the twin red-head boys nearby what Betrothal meant and they said I could get a life-long friend if I signed it so I did." He ignored the whimpered growl from Bathsheda not even noticing her glare as his eyes fell to the floor. "Hedwig started flying around though and stopped the woman from signing it too," he said quietly. "Then Hagrid chased them all off. I was looking forward to having a friend so I kept the form. It disappeared last night while I was sleeping though...thank you for finding it and bringing it back."

The adults all looked at each other with various levels of anger and concern. All except Dumbledore who was carefully studying a spot on the wall across the way and pretending he was invisible. The women then as one turned to the purple bird form of Vernon Dursley and snarled.

Bathsheda finally stepped forward and knelt down in front of Harry. She took his hand with her own and lifted his head up with her other hand. "Harry? You signed that thing because you wanted a friend?" The boy nodded. She sighed and turned his hand over pointing to the ring he had tried to cover up with a band-aid. "And did this show up last night?"

"Please don't tell Uncle Vernon or Aunt Petunia," Harry said softly. "It won't come off and they'd get mad and say I stole it. I didn't steal it, I swear! It was there when I woke up! I think it was more of that...what did Hagrid call it...accidental magic!"

Bathsheda sighed. "It wasn't accidental magic, Harry. It was magic though. That ring showed up when I signed the form. It somehow found its way into a stack of papers I was signing." She looked away and scowled, muttering, "serves me right for not reading something before I sign the damn thing..."

Harry's mouth dropped open. "Are – are you going to be my friend then, Bathsheda?"

Bathsheda rolled her eyes. "Call me, Shiva, Harry. I'm not a huge fan of my full name. That thing you signed wasn't a Friend Form, kid. It was...okay, you don't know what Betrothal means obviously. I assume you understand marriage though?"

Harry snorted. "I'm not a baby. I know what marriage is."

"Well, think of betrothal as a pre-marriage. A promise that two people _will_ get married at some point in the future."

Harry opened his mouth to say something and closed it. He opened his mouth again and still failed to utter anything. On the third try he finally managed a very appropriate, "Oh. Well. Oh."

"Yeah, that's better than her reaction was," Septima said with a chuckle. "At least you're not throwing things and cursing."

"I'm sorry!" Harry yelled. "I'm so sorry! That's not what I wanted! That's not what I thought! I'm so sorry!"

Minerva shook her head. "No one is blaming you, Harry. Not anymore at least. This falls squarely on other's shoulders." She pointedly glared at both Dumbledore and Shiva.

Shiva bristled and turned to McGonagall. "Hey, it's not my fault the stupid thing was in my order forms! Yeah I signed it, but shouldn't you be a bit angrier with Hagrid who apparently couldn't keep the guy's rabid fan club off him for five minutes?"

"You share at least part of the blame, Bathsheda." Shiva scowled but ended up nodding after a moment. Minerva turned back to Harry. "Harry, the important thing is where we go from here."

Harry tried to vanish into the couch. "Can we just tear it up? I'm really, really sorry."

Aurora shook her head and gave him a soft smile. "Sorry, kid, not that easy. Whoever wrote that was _very_ good and _very_ careful. The only way to break it for one or both of you to die. So you're pretty much stuck together now."

"But – but – but – I'm only 11! I can't be married at 11!" Harry yelled horrified.

Shiva snorted. "Hey I'm 19. I wasn't exactly planning to get married right now either, Harry. And technically we're not married yet. That will only happen once you hit the Age of Majority which for us is 17. So you've got six years to get used to the idea. I would recommend not dating anyone though. I already have a Coven and the three of us would prefer not to add any more in."

Septima nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. Three is magically powerful. We can do tons with just three witches. If we add another it would shoot down half the best rituals we have! If we're going to add one then we'd have to go the full shebang and get up to seven in the coven. That'd be a bit overwhelming."

"So no serious dating," Shiva said. "We should also figure out your living conditions. Sep go take a look at his room. Sin, check out the cupboard."

The two other witches nodded and moved off while Shiva sat on the couch and leaned back. McGonagall shifted a bit and said, "Harry, if you truly wish to tell people about this, you are of course allowed but it might be smarter to keep it a secret until you're a bit older. Absolutely nothing untoward should occur in the castle of course!" Dumbledore fidgeted a bit besides her and Minerva stopped to glare at him.

Before she could say anything, a shout of surprise exploded into the sitting room. "Shiva! Sep! Min! Get your arses over here!" Aurora was practically spitting in rage as the group hurried towards her. Harry winced as he saw she was pointing at the open cupboard. "Look!"

Shiva and Minerva stepped forward to peer into the little space under the stairs. Minerva gasped in shock and stumbled back while Shiva simply scowled and slammed a fist into the wall. She slowly controlled her breathing and straightened up, turning towards Harry. "Harry, you slept in there?" He nodded. "For how long?"

"Um…until about two and a half weeks ago?"

Minerva's lip twitched. "Bathsheda as his betrothed I expect you take responsibility for Mr. Potter. He can stay in the flat you three share during holidays and whatever House he is sorted to in school. I'm going to inform the DMLE and ensure that the Muggle authorities are brought into the loop. You have 30 minutes. Please ensure that the members of this household remain alive by the time the Aurors arrive." She turned to Dumbledore who appeared frozen looking at the cupboard with wide eyes. Minerva grabbed his beard and started dragging him outside. "Come, Albus! We need to have a _long_ talk about the responsibilities of accepting guardianship of a child!"

Harry turned to the three remaining witches as the door to Number 4 slammed shut. "Err…"

The three looked at each other and sighed before wrapping him into a hug. "Harry," one of them said, "just so you know, you have friends now. That contract may not have been what you thought or really what anyone wants, but I promise, you have friends now at least."

* * *

Hedwig listened in to the conversations going on downstairs from her perch and puffed up even further. The spunky stone thrower had inspected the Dursley nest and found it wanting. Just as she had planned. The addition of the other two human females was somewhat unexpected, but she wasn't complaining. It only served to prove that her human was the best. Hedwig had obviously chosen her familiar well if Harry could mate with three human females!

She didn't quite think her human realized that fact yet but…well it was only a matter of time. And if he took too long…she could always push the issue. Her interference with the Betrothal paper had worked out so nicely after all! Hedwig gave a short bark of happiness before taking wing and landing on the back of the couch.

While the females discussed just what they wanted to do with the Dursley humans and who would be taking Harry back to their flat Hedwig was…otherwise preoccupied. She clacked her tongue in amusement. That purple bird squawked in fear as Hedwig eyed it. Yes, yes. Be afraid Vernon Bird. Be afraid. Hedwig clacked her tongue again and took to the air.

* * *

 **Three Years Later**

Hedwig had watched for three years as her human had steadfastly refused to mate with his three females. It was growing to annoy Hedwig immensely. How was she supposed to be allowed to have her own fledglings to give to his children if he wasn't going to have children? And that owl that lived nearby the Coven nest was rather appealing. Harry needed to hurry things along!

It had taken him quite some time to realize that the three females were involved with each other. That the revelation had not brought Hedwig the expected extra helpings of bacon had put her in a foul mood that day. Harry had seemed rather clueless as to why she had been forced to punish him but that was not her problem. If her human couldn't understand the boon that Hedwig had granted him by getting him three suitable mates for the price of one, then that was his own fault.

At least she had managed to stop the bearded one from interfering in anything. A few choice visits to his office and some careful negotiations with the flaming bird had been all it took. It probably helped that the old human had been rather afraid of Harry's mates and the stern one after the Dursley nest was abandoned. She wouldn't let them know how much she appreciated the help though. An owl worked her magic alone after all.

Hedwig puffed up in happiness as Harry gently stroked her feathers. He had been looking forward to this school year as he assumed it would be quieter than most. Hedwig knew differently. The immortality stone from first year was safely tucked away in the spunky stone player's closet. (Hedwig had _certainly_ not stolen it from the bearded one's desk prior to its destruction. That would have been foolish and _certainly_ beneath an owl of her brilliance.) The basilisk tooth that had had the audacity to pierce her human in his second year and the sword that had helped him to survive the beast were locked in the dark, night viewer's carrying case. (Hedwig had _definitely_ not removed that from the bearded one's office either.) With the help of her human and his mates, she'd been able to distract Bowler Hat Human long enough to clear the Godfather last year. (Sadly Hedwig had no trophies from that as the rat had succeeded in escaping. A shame; she had been looking forward to adding the tail to her collection.)

But this year…this year Hedwig was going to force Harry to mate. She knew exactly how to best go about it too. He had told her about the Goblet of Fire and how it would choose aged humans to compete the next afternoon. And of how it enforced a binding Contract on those that entered. Hedwig barked in joy. The last Contract had certainly ended up helping her human. This would help Harry even more!

* * *

Hedwig waited until the castle had gone to sleep before she enacted her plan. After it was quiet throughout the halls, it had been disturbingly simple to tear off a bit of parchment from one of his essays' header fly it over the Goblet to drop it in. Giving a satisfied "prewk" Hedwig returned to her roost greatly looking forward to her human's praise and the extra bacon she would eventually receive.

* * *

"Harry," Shiva asked exasperatedly as the young man in question sat down on the couch in her quarters, "how the bloody hell did this happen? I thought we had warded the bloody thing so that no one under 17 would touch it, throw something at it, spell it, summon it or even talk to it. How the bloody hell did you get your name coming out?!"

"Don't look at me," he said annoyed holding up his hands. "I'm still underage here. We both know there's no way those things would've let me through."

She glared at him. "Well it was either you, me or Hedwig because the wards wouldn't have accepted your name from anyone else. And I certainly didn't do it which just leaves you or…"

The two turned to look at the window outside suddenly rather thankful that the snowy owl wasn't around. Twisting back to each other Harry muttered, "I swear that bird scares me sometimes…"

Shiva snorted. "You? You should've seen Sin when the owl came in with the Sword of Gryffindor clutched in her beak and a basilisk fang in her claws! Practically gave our girl a heart attack!"

"Ugh, don't remind me. I still can't believe she gave you the Philosopher's Stone," Harry muttered wiping his forehead. "I do wonder though whether she wanted it for the four of us or for herself."

"Let's not speculate on what goes through that bird's mind," Shiva sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. "You do realize that as of this afternoon you're officially an adult now yeah?"

Harry swore under his breath. He sighed and leaned his head over to rest it on Shiva's. "Bloody hell. Stupid bird. Well congratulations, Mrs. Potter. Excuse me for putting off the honeymoon for a few months but I apparently have a deadly Tournament to compete in at the moment."

"We'll go over the contract on Monday."

"Why Monday? It's Friday. We can go over the thing tonight or tomorrow morning. Hell, Hermione probably already has the rule book spread out in the Common Room."

Shiva pulled back and eyed his. "Harry, you're a legal adult. The Betrothal Contract just got upgraded to a Marriage Contract."

Rolling his eyes he waved her comment off. "No! Really! Shiva, we've read that thing enough times I have it memorized."

She snorted. "Alright then, Section B, paragraph 2 subsection a."

"Upon reaching the status of adulthood this contract shall become a Marriage Contract. Within the night, the two parties are required…to…" Harry trailed off groaning and slapped a hand to his forehead. "Oh. Right."

"Hence why we're waiting to review the contract for the Triwizard Tournament till Monday," she patted his knee and smirked. "Since I'm the official wife, I have tonight. Sin gets tomorrow morning until noon and Sep gets tomorrow afternoon until 8. We all share Sunday. I grabbed stamina and nutrient potions on my way up and if we need any more we can always ask a house elf."

"McGonagall is going to kill us," Harry said through his hand.

"Not my problem. It's in the contract and we're in the privacy of my rooms." She stood and sauntered towards the bedroom. "Come on loverboy. I've had to make do with witches for the past three years! Move your arse!"

* * *

"Hey you two! Fred, George, wait up!" Harry called to the Weasley twins as he saw them passing in the corridor Monday afternoon.

"Harry? You want something?" the twins asked nervously. They had been very careful to avoid Harry unless he sought them out first. After the Coven had found out it was them who had inadvertently convinced him to sign the Betrothal Contract, they'd found Hogwarts a lot scarier a place.

Laughing, Harry leaned forward and hugged both of them. "You guys are the best! Seriously, I really mean that. From now on, you need something – anything – you come talk to me! I got your backs!"

The twins stared at each other and then at Harry completely lost. "Ugh, sure," George said scratching his head.

Fred peered at the fourth year. "And what pray tell has brought this on, Harry?"

Harry just grinned and leaned in to whisper, "Let's just say I know why people around here love broom closets so much now." Their eyes widened. "Three women for the price of one? Best. Contract. Ever." He pulled back laughing and walked away whistling.

The twins shook their heads and looked at each other. "Only Harry Potter…"

* * *

The First Task certainly seemed frightening enough on paper. He was supposed to outmaneuver a fully grown dragon? Really? What idiot had come up with _that_ idea?

To be honest though, Harry wasn't worried. Not one bit. He'd gotten a lot more confident in the past few years. Heck the scared little kid he'd been when he first met the Coven probably would've wet himself. That scared little kid though didn't have a near encyclopedic knowledge of contracts nor the ability to find the tiniest loopholes in them. Shiva and Harry had gone over their own enough in the first year and a half to be able to pick apart the language they were written in almost better than the solicitors who wrote them to begin with.

That knowledge was about to serve him very well indeed. Fight a dragon? Yeah right!

The whistle blew signifying it was Harry's turn to start. He stepped into the arena and glanced around the surrounding stands. Finding his wife and Coven members, Harry waved. Sep screamed out her support while Sin just waved back. Harry could feel the eye roll from where he stood. Shiva didn't make any gesture beyond leaning back and kicking her feet up to rest on the chair in front of her.

Harry gave a snort of amusement at the antics of the girls and turned back to the dragon. He gave it a mild salute and when it puffed a jet of hot air towards him in acknowledgement, Harry smiled. He drew his wand and conjured a beach chair and a small side table. Setting his watch for an hour Harry summoned some ingredients that Dobby had left on the field nearby and made himself a Mai Tai. Letting out a sigh of enjoyment, Harry transfigured his clothes into shorts and a t-shirt before giving himself a wide brimmed hat and leaning back in the chair to sip his drink.

"What's this? Why that's not a potion at all! It appears Mr. Potter is just…going to _sit_ there!" Harry chuckled at Bagman's incredulous exclamation. Oh _course_ he was just going to sit there. The Triwizard Tournament contract only stated that he had to _attempt_ the Task. It never said _how hard_ he had to attempt it.

There was no way he was fighting a dragon. He had three energetic and sex-deprived witches to satisfy now. He may be a teenager, but he was still only one man. He certainly was not going to spare the energy to fight a mature dragon!

* * *

Harry stepped into the hedge maze of the Third Task nearly 10 minutes after the other three had entered. To the surprise of no one, he immediately conjured his chair mixed his drink and started to relax. Barty Crouch Jr. had long since given up trying to get Harry Potter to win. He instead targeted the half-breed. If the Veela girl's blood was used…why his Master might even get the ability to enthrall others!

Fleur made it to the Triwizard Cup with little difficulty. As the portkey whirled her away to land in the graveyard a voice rang out from nearby, "Stun the girl. We need to start!"

Fleur's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared. A trap. Of course it was a trap. Well she was not going to be taken alive for someone's amusement!

Fleur dodged the incoming stunner and sent back a flurry of spells. A satisfying grunt and two muffled crashes confirmed that at least two targets were down. Waiting a few moments more, Fleur snorted in disbelief. "What idiots plan a trap with just two people?"

She slowly stood staying wary as she approached her ambushers. Pushing the corpulent one onto his back she frowned recognizing Peter Pettigrew from the papers a few months back. Fleur screamed upon seeing the other… _thing_. It was some sort of homunculus. A horribly deformed homunculus.

It stirred and raised its bulbous head. "Bow before Lord Voldemort and I shall let you live, creature."

Fleur had lifted her arm before the thing could even finish talking. A ball of fire burst into existence over her hand and she immediately launched it at the horrid little thing. Screams reverberated through the air as the thing thrashed under her flames. Fleur watched with disgusted fascination as it seemed to heal slightly while Pettigrew convulsed nearby, a patch on his arm burning through. Fleur scowled. The homunculus was going to die. No one kidnapped Fleur Delacour and survived!

She kept tossing fireball after fireball on the horrid little thing. After about fifteen minutes it had stopped regenerating. She heard an awful scream from the distance and watched as a large snake thrashed into the air for a moment before it crumpled with a dark spirit essence leaving it and fading into the air. She lobbed another few fireballs onto the self-proclaimed Lord Voldemort for good measure. Finally all movement ceased and Fleur was left staring at a crispy little homunculus and a dead, emaciated Peter Pettigrew. Shrugging Fleur bound the two together with a conjured rope and summoned the Cup.

* * *

Harry had been perfectly happy minding his own business, rooting for Fleur (Cedric had accused him of being lazy and a coward. How was he supposed to support the man after that?) when he heard screaming from the direction of the crowd. Frowning, Harry got off his chair and with drink in hand walked back outside. Moody was collapsed on the ground clutching his arm. His form shifted before Harry's eyes into someone he didn't recognize as the effects of a polyjuice potion wore off.

"Huh, well…so much for security then," Harry muttered blinking down at the still screaming man. He appeared to fold into himself slightly as the mark on his arm burned and drained him of all magic. More screams started up immediately. Harry twisted towards the stands and saw multiple people in the same situation. Crabbe Senior, Goyle Senior, Nott Senior, Lucius Malfoy, several random people (including one woman who looked like a horrid pink toad), Karkaroff and – Harry noted with a bit of a happy smile – one Severus Snape. Dumbledore seemed to be frantically trying to save Snape but Harry didn't give him good odds.

Barely a minute or two after this Harry himself started screaming and fell to the ground clutching his head. His scar was burning something fierce! It felt like his brain itself was on fire!

Harry felt three sets of arms wrap around him and three sets of voices calling out for help as something in him _broke_. An instant later the pain vanished as a black ichor flew out his scar followed by an inhuman scream. The ichor vanished into thin air, dissipating into nothingness. Exhausted, Harry collapsed backwards into the arms of his wife and her Coven.

* * *

Harry's graduation was Hogwarts was a somewhat quiet affair. Quiet for him at least. He'd managed to avoid getting any of the women pregnant before he left school, stopped Hedwig from stealing more 'trophies', convinced Dumbledore he could finally retire and calmly answered reporters' questions on why he was looking forward to being a stay-at-home father soon. Hermione was graduating at the top of the class, Daphne Greengrass placed second and Harry himself had pulled a very respectable third. Shiva, Sin and Sep had promised to reward him heartily for his hard work when they got home.

He'd even kept a regular correspondence with Fleur and Gabrielle. Gabrielle kept promising she'd convince Shiva to let her into the Coven someday despite Harry's amused replies. Fleur was simply happy to have inadvertently helped a friend while she had been busy roasting a perverted homunculus. From what Sep had said, she'd been _very_ heartily thanked by the Coven while Harry was recovering.

Yes. All was going well for Harry.

* * *

Hedwig glared at her human as he accepted his document to leave school. His three mates were obviously not enough for him. She'd made sure he was intimate with them over three years ago and he still didn't have offspring?! If they didn't have his children soon…she'd have to see about whether that younger Veela female had a spare contract lying around somewhere. Veela were fertile. Harry would have offspring soon. One way or another.


End file.
